Update doodles. This song popped into my head after reading the update.
The scene: Wednesday night, at least an hour into a long, difficult conversation with my husband and a few good friends about what a self- and other-destructive jackass I’ve been lately. There were a lot of digressions, as happens in life, and one friend started to make an analogy about something.
Friend, making an analogy: It’s like - for you, as a straight person…
Me, stage whispering: actuallyI’mnotastraightpersonbutOKgoahead?
Friend: O_o Sorry for assuming! *finishes analogy*
I always knew I was enough of a jerk/coward to lie by omission, but not to lie or let it slide if someone brought it up. And after my shields were already worn down by that long, difficult conversation, it came up.
"What I am" depends on how you define the terms, but it’s somewhere on the bi/pansexual Venn diagram, with a caveat about being happy with a monogamous marriage. It’s important to me what’s in my head, but thoughts vs. actions and how they relate to identity - that could keep us here all day, and I’m not firing on all cylinders at this hour.
But I have presented as a blank my whole life. I don’t express attraction to anyone; I don’t even fangirl out loud. I was taught explicitly and implicitly that it’s not OK to feel attraction if you are a girl/woman who is deemed aesthetically unacceptable. It’s “gross”, or at best it’s “comical.” Unattractive women are depicted as monsters for men to run away from. As though they - we - weren’t people at all.
So I don’t admit that I like men (despite having married one; I just let that be implied), and in that silence I didn’t admit that I potentially liked every other point on the spectrum, too. I’ve always been supportive of LGBTQ+ rights as an ally; I just engaged in doublethink that to come out myself would be to admit that I am that icky comedic figure of a woman who dares to feel attraction despite not being a target of others’ attraction.
But that’s not how it works. Silence still tacitly supports the structures that keep people closeted. I knew that. I knew I was a hypocrite. I thought that with my silence, I was buying the only chance at contentment I would ever have. And I hated that our happy home life was built on false pretenses. I didn’t go into it that way; I was all set to spill my guts when I found out how bitter he was about someone else’s way of expressing her sexuality. (His ex was also bi, and she felt that this made it OK to cheat. He disagreed.) They’re all cheating liars, his tone implied, when he spoke of people that he didn’t know were like me. And I shut up for a few more years.
I am both relieved and discombobulated. I feel as though I have phased into a parallel universe. I held a secret for ten+ years because I convinced myself that it didn’t matter, and because I thought it would destroy my marriage.
It hasn’t destroyed anything yet except my equilibrium. So sometimes there aren’t any trumpets. Sometimes there’s an awkward question, a sleepless night, some therapeutic housecleaning, and lots and lots of follow-up conversations. And fear that everything will go wrong. But it’s tempered by the realization that even if you lie to people by omission and throw them for major loops ten years into your friendship, sometimes they’ll stick around.
That’s the take-home lesson, and the thing that they were trying to knock into my thick skull in the first place. Good friends will stick by you. And even spouses bitter about their exes can surprise you. The parallel universe might be a good place after all.
I was just caught by the tag “bisexual Erasure”.
(On this page of the update.)
So… Karkat’s and Dave’s “true inner bishies” are made of manganese?
# - i consider you a friend, 0 - i would like to get to know you better
What, you mean like “I am interested in you platonically”? I admit I don’t know either.
We really should IM more…
Reblogging mainly due to the hyphenated name bit.
My husband’s last name is hyphenated because his parents kept their own names for professional reasons. The kids all had hyphenated last names. I wasn’t particularly interested in combining our names with two hyphens seemed like overkill. FWIW I believe that the one who cares the most about sharing a name should be the one to change it without stigma. In this case it happened to be me. Hubs bent over backwards to tell me that I could keep my name if I wanted to. That’s what he grew up with. It’s not a big deal to him. But it was important to me that we (and our kids were we to have any) have the same family name. That’s what <i>I</i> grew up with.
Within a month of our wedding I was at a new doctor filling out paperwork and the woman taking my vitals congratulated me on the newlywed thing and then asked which half of the name was mine.
I still smile when I think about the look of utter confusion on her face when I answered “neither”.
my favorite homestuck panel so far
… but it’s rendered the site largely unusable in BOTH of my browsers (Mozilla 4 and Opera 12.17 — which the program itself tells me is the LATEST VERSION).
The only way I was able to make a new post is by identifying as Opera or Internet Explorer, and even then IT WON’T GIVE ME THE RICH TEXT EDITOR no matter how many times I select such in my Tumblr settings.
No matter which browser I have Opera identify as, I can’t check my followed tags, I can’t move anything around in my queue, and in particular, I can’t reply to anything in my inbox.
(And none of this works in my BlackBerry Bold’s native browser either; it might in Opera for BlackBerry OS 7, but I can’t *sign in* in that one, so I wouldn’t know.)
So I’m sorry to those of you who sent me asks recently, but it might be a while before I manage to reply…
x - i am not interested in you romantically/platonically
0 - i would like to get to know you better
~ -i am interested in you platonically
♡ -i am interested in you romantically
☆- i want to date you
! - i would date you if i had the chance
/ - i would never date you
? - you interest me
# - i consider you a friend